Erik first. We were talking the other day about assigning values to things. He was explaining about how his SO frequently wants to contextualize things as either "good" or "bad", and that was confusing to him because for him things just are. They exist independent from any judgement about that existence. Now, I don't believe he really never assigns those values, but the sentiment is what applies here. I beat myself up because I think I'm being "bad" (read: lazy, self-indulgent, weak, etc.) for not posting more regularly for this project which is the biggest I've ever attempted. Last night, a discussion with another friend, Erin, caused me to lay aside that valuation of my ability to maintain this blog faithfully and recognize that quite simply, I don't. I don't do it daily, or even weekly. It comes in sporadic bursts of productivity and then tapers away to nothing for a while. Aside from any consideration that it is maladaptive for getting my thesis done, I've been trying to understand...Why?
What Erin and I were discussing was how difficult it can be to maintain relationships with men that we love knowing that they don't Get It. They love us individually, and want us to be happy and healthy, but they don't recognize their privilege as men and they aren't aware of how their attitudes and words can hurt. And when we ask them to be aware, they throw our argument into the Angry Feminist bin which allows them to discard it without considering it. I told her frankly that my feelings follow roughly these lines: I love (this theoretical Everyman) him, I love being with him and spending time with him and sharing who I am with him, but I never doubt that when the situation arises, he'll abandon me in a heartbeat to maintain the status quo and his place within it.
What that looks like is a guy denying the impact of the wage gap by gender, or failing to speak up when someone makes a sexist joke (most of the men I associate with wouldn't make one themselves, at least), or arguing with me ad naseum that my views are biased by my feminism instead of the other way around. Informed yes, but they imply that it is my feminism that creates issues, as if recognizing an injustice is what calls it into being. There's an amazing post over at Shakesville that I want to keep in my pocket and show every guy that I care about so that he understands the tension I feel in allowing myself to feel close to him. And there is this constant tension--this dread and certainty that what seems like a benevolent agreement to disagree will one day manifest in some concrete way. Where's the line, I wonder. How will he treat me if I get raped? What if I get sexually harassed at work and file a complaint? What if I call him out for making a sexist comment when another guy is in the room?
And then there's the other side of the tension. The nagging thought in the back of my head that if he doesn't have a problem with me getting paid less than the men I work with, or getting stuck with "housekeeping" assignments, or feeling steamrolled by my theoretical SO, somewhere in his heart that means he thinks I deserve it. I worry that his estimation of my abilities and character are informed by these views. Here I am, thinking that we're discussing something as equals when all this time he might be casually discounting my opinion because he sees my lower wage only as a personal failure to negotiate a higher one for myself. He sees my frustration in my relationship as a weak personal reluctance to confront another man. If he doesn't see the structures that contextualize these situations, all he can see is my failure as person in situations where he wouldn't fail. And how can I accept this characterization from someone whose opinion of me I care about? How can I keep from internalizing that on some level?
So Erin and I were discussing how it's too hard to be angry every time. It's more than our resources allow to confront every single man every single time. And that can feel like another failure. Every time I allow it to slide, I am theoretically colluding with my own oppression. But dammit, sometimes I just want to be happy, sometimes I just want to have a good time and not have to think about every single action and reaction as political. Rage is exhausting, and feeling mistrustful of roughly half the important people in my life at this fundamental level can leave me feeling lonely, isolated and hopeless. But every time I get back from this "vacation" from the political, there's that guilt that needs dealing with, that pressing need to reassure myself that I'm not a bad feminist, that I haven't betrayed myself by taking a break. And I have to dealt that with before I can move on and start working again.
Erin apologized to me for bringing me back into this space when I'd been feeling so content. I told her honestly that she didn't make me feel this way at all, she simply reminded me of the rage and confusion and resignation and And AND that's always simmering under the surface whether I'm actively dealing with it or not. And I recognized that maybe this thesis is a way for me to try to create a space, to create a way to understand. I don't want hate or even dislike or mistrust men. I love many of them, and I need to understand how they can trivialize or simply NOT SEE something that impacts my life every single day. I need to find--maybe not their innocence, but I need to find myself in them. I need that "there but for the grace of god go I" moment.
The trouble is that much (if not most) of the reading and listening I'm doing is disheartening. After a hundred years of activism, we're still not at that tipping point, and that hurts and makes me tired. It taxes me hard to wade through that while trying to keep holding onto my empathy. So sometimes I stop reading. I stop writing. I stop thinking in a focused way about gender issues at all. Sometimes it takes everything I have just to keep up with current events. And often I don't even realize I'm doing it. Or rather, NOT doing it. Maybe now that I recognize that, I can make more progress forward. Maybe I can forgive myself for taking time off, and now that I realize what's behind it I can find new ways of addressing the problem that won't interfere so much with my productivity.
I feel like this thesis is important...and maybe not just for me.
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